Part -8

As the silence of the night took over,he sat there alone on the terrace,his memories as well as the reality haunting him when his phone rang.The song started to play which he had as his ringtone and that song brought with it the beautifully painful memories of her with it.It set working another part if his brain completely reserved for her.That song which played.That night when he had sung it for her.That moment when she had gone red blushing and her cute smile that glowed on her face.That sudden hug she had given him.That smell of her's which he loved.That feeling he had having her wrapped in his arms.Tears brewed up in his eyes and he wanted to run,go back to her and fall down on his knees.But first he had the phone to deal with.He took out the phone to see who was calling and saw her name on the screen.His heart skipped it's beat.A new hope had risen in his heart.He started thinking maybe she was ready to forgive him and was calling to sort this mess out.His train of thoughts were interrupted as the song started for the second time.With shivering hands,he touched the green button on his phone.
"Hello" he said,his voice shivering and he ,trying the best to hide the pain in his voice.
"Go back home." she ordered sternly.
"I am at home."
"Fool someone else.Your mom has been calling up at everyone's to ask for you.Your phone was unreachable.Go home."
"You want me to go home?"
"It never mattered what i wanted so why now!Just go."
"I'll go.I am sorr..."
She had already hanged up.His heart smiled.It seemed as if his heart had won the battle between the mind and the heart.Yes.She did care still and she would never stop.His heart was shouting this to his mind.See!i was right.Our love isn't so weak to make us stop loving or caring for each other even though the circumstances force us to.Yes!Yes!Yes!
He ran down to his home.As he entered his house,he saw his mother distressed and worried,leaning over the phone.As she saw him coming,her face was flushed with relief and she ran upto him.
"Where the hell have you been?" she shouted.
"I don't know.I have some work to do.I'm going to my room."
"You cannot just leave like this without answering me!I have been hell worried searching like mad for you.Wherever were you?Answer me now.This is no way to run away from things!"
"Oh really?Why these values are supposed to be followed by me only?When you can run away from responsibilities then why not me?When you can ignore me then why not me?When everytime its running away from problems then why not this time?" he shouted back and entered his room banging close the door behind him.
Once inside the room he didn't have any idea in the world as to what to do?He badly wanted to call her up and talk to her to release all this held within him but he knew he had lost this moment too.Moreover,his ego didn't allow him to say sorry for another time as it might go unheard again.
He sat down on his bed,opened his laptop and played his playlist of songs that had some or the other memories of him and her attached to it while her pictures displayed on his screen in a slideshow.
He discovered new boundaries that entire night staring at that screen analysing everything between her and him and their.He had got his love attached to her in such a way that he was no more what he used to be like.She had changed him for the good.From that day,he decided,his reason to live was her.His reason to die would be her.
He couldn't faithfully commit to her love.Now,he promised to commit himself faithfully to the incomplete love of their's.
Next morning he woke up and saw that he had received a text from that girl who had been the reason for his spoilt life today.She had messaged him asking him to spend some time with her again but this time,he was sensible enough to reply her curtly telling her that whatever happened was a mistake and he would never repeat it again and so she should never ever approach him ever again.After that what she replied back he didn't know as when her reply came without even a read he deleted the message and blocked her.
His mind was fully occupied with the thought of his love.How had she been through the night?He really wanted to know if she was alright or not.His heart demanded him to call her up while his ego told him to keep the phone back.Staring at the phone screen,gathering courage he finally called her.He knew she wouldn't pick the call and she didn't.He called again.No answer.He tried for the third time.This time she picked up.Silence on both ends.
"I came home yesterday after you called." he said,informing like a small child informs his mother after completing the task given to him by his mother.
"Ok" she said,as straight away as she could possibly.Her eyes had already filled up.Her heart was shouting to him to say sorry to her.She wanted to forgive him soo badly.All she was waiting for was a sorry.Please please please say sorry and i'll forgive.The entire yesterday night i had been awake making myself come to this decision of forgiving you whenever you apologise.Please say sorry and i'll love you all the more than i do now.She waited quietly on the phone not saying even a single word that her heart was shouting.
He just wanted her to speak.All he wanted  was to hear her melting voice.Not knowing what more to speak,he blurted out, "I want you back."
Silence.
"I know what i did was wrong.Just come back now.I can't live such a life."
She was now waiting with high hopes for him to say sorry any moment now.
"You just saw the half of it.You have no idea what had happened before that with me!The inner turmoil that i had been going through.You won't even understand.You just saw one thing and you accused me of cheating you.Did you try asking me the reason?Did you even try to make me understand my mistake?You just left.How could you leave me that way?I loved you.You should have given me a chance to explain atleast.To apologise atleast.You didn't." and so now,he had resorted to his old habit and turned the tables on her.Now,it was she who was guilty.
Listening to all this,her weak heart was shocked.What is he saying?My mistake i didn't let him explain?Ok.Maybe i didn't but nothing in the world can justify his action and that is for sure.And i am giving you a chance to apologise now.Please do.Please!
She remained silent.He thought he had spoken too much and so he said bye and hanged up.Idiot!What did you just do?Shifted the enitre blame on her?Don't you know how to say a simple sorry?Why do you behave this way to her?These questions lingered on for a long time in his mind.
As the phone hanged up,she was sure disappointed yet she told herself she'll wait for him till the day he comes and apologises.And so the wait began as the days turned into weeks and weeks into months.

First aid vs destiny

“There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them.”
                                                   - Nicholas Sparks (Message in a Bottle)
And some of these winds enter our lives with the fury of a storm. I assure you that Nicholas Sparks would have you believe in that too. Now I don’t say this to sound poetic at all. I am merely stating the truth. Nowhere does the truth make itself more perceptible, than in times of crises – like in this one instance.

Jim Davidson and Mike Price were hiking buddies, who decided in the summer of ’92 that they would summit the Mt. Rainier through a difficult, deserted route instead. What they didn’t realize was that they would be climbing the steps to Mike’s funeral. They were slowly making their way uphill when a snow bridge on the isolated route collapsed, an enormous avalanche exploded above head and just like that, the two of them plummeted 80 feet below – straight into a glacial crevasse. Buried way too deep in the snow, Mike was clearly dying. And Jim couldn’t do anything except try to keep him warm using his gloves and boots, and give him company, while trying to get out of the snow himself. He managed, but now he had a difficult decision to make – try to save himself, or stay with Mike and die of frostbite. He chose the former. Though he survived, he carried that survivor’s guilt for ages. What if he had stayed? Could he have done anything about Mike’s condition, other than the basic first aid possible? In the end, it all came down to that one undeniable thing – destiny. He’d done everything in his power but he knew Mike had death written in his fate. And today, there’s only acceptance. Jim has moved on and climbed many - a – hills since, staring destiny confidently in its face every time
.
Yes, we sometimes fear the unexpected. But I know there is no way to avoid the pain that we must go through to find the other half - the truth. Because in the end, destiny is what we all seek.
I believe that whatever life puts us through and whatever we face is not entirely in our hands, but in what we are destined to end up with. We have all heard people saying “no matter what happened in my life, here I was destined to be.” It is absolutely true that no matter how hard u try to push destiny away, u can't really change what’s written in your fate. In a similar fashion, our end is not always in our hands but what has already been written by the Almighty. I do not say that one should follow the path where he has to passively surrender to fate. But dear fellow mates, all we can do is try and not give up the fight. Here’s a very simple question for you all. What will you bequeath your blame onto, in the eventuality that a person dies before reaching the hospital? First-aid, or just fate? For me it is entirely fate, for there are a lot of things that science cannot explain. Sometimes no matter how good the treatment is, the patient simply cannot make it because there is stuff that goes beyond the sciences. But we must remember that if the Creator planned our destiny, he also permeated immense courage into our souls. So we can fight out an ordeal. But just in case we can’t, He also gave us the courage to face the consequences – and to move on.

In the end, I would like to emphasize my point by saying that first aid is an open choice – I know most people always take it. But our destiny is ‘our’ future – like a forked road in the poem “The Road Not Taken”. It’s still a choice to make. But with destiny, you could never tell where the road leads you…because only time can do that …

Lots of love,
Author 'Div'

Part-7 (inner call)

Standing there on the boundarywall,the thin line drawn between his life and death,her thought came to his mind.Wasn’t all that had happened already enough for her to take that I should be giving her heart something more to ache for?Hasn’t she already suffered?Should I just end it all like this without even an apology to her?I have already done more than required for her to be hating me but then definitely,as much as I know my baby,her heart would never let her hate me or stop caring for me.She would be the most grieved about my death.No one in the world would be affected as much as she would be,not even my own parents and I know that.An inside voice asked him if it was not all that he already knew.That he knew no matter how many mistakes he did she would be forgiving him always and so he went on committing more and more mistakes.He was guilty no doubt for his actions.Moreover,why was he even thinking to withdraw  now from jumping.What was left for him to live for?She was gone.His parents?Those parents who had no time to even tolerate each other,let alone him.Who fought every single day and then made him the soft target for them to vent their anger out on?Those parents who were not able to handle their marriage,forget about him?The thought of his parents made him go red in face with anger,tears rushing out of his eyes.For the first time in his entire life,he finally admitted he was not strong enough.He was broken on the inside no matter whatever he tried to show on the outside.He did not want to leave today without telling her that she is the only one who really belonged to him and to whom he belonged.No one else was there for him.No,today he was not going to quit.Enough of running away from problems.Not now!He got down carefully from the boundarywall onto the terrace,his legs shaking and making him go all weak enough to not be able to take the weight of his own body.Leaning his back against the boundarywall of the terrace and hugging his knees to his chest,he sat down and cried for the first time in what seemed to him like 10 years.That day,not only did he cry but the child in him whom he had suppressed long,long ago burst out with him.The child who had craved for love all his life,longed for an affectionate smile or a gesture from his parents that would assure him that yes,they cared for him,cried helplessly trapped within him.

Brain is like a closed album.All memories stay there in some corner forgotten but once it is opened,they come surging in bringing with it all the pains and joys of the past.The same was happening today with him.He had been acting strong for quite a lot of time.Today,he had finally given up.He had no strength left in him anymore to pretend things to be alright.One part of him was very angry with him for letting all his emotions surge out like this,crying like a baby.He felt angry for breaking his promise to himself.At the age of 7 itself,when he had grown mature enough to understand the tension between his parents and to understand that they had no time or love for him,he was a mere burden they had been carrying off because they were bound to carry,he had retreated from their lives and they both barely noticed how he had withdrawn into his shell.The only communication he had ever had with them from that time used to be for basic needs such as money,food,cloth etc.Nothing beyond that exceeded their conversations.Every night,his memories reminded him,how he had slept hearing altercations between his parents.How he,the little child used to be scared at night hearing them shout yet was never comforted by his father assuring him that there was nothing to be scared of.He remembered how every night he wept feeling scared yet never did his mother come to console him.The distance from his parents that he had maintained and the bitter relationship between his parents had killed him entirely on the inside yet he had lived like a hero on the outside never allowing anyone to see his weakside.Then,she had come and he had fallen for her.Just for once,his life had started to have a whole new beginning for him.She had talked to him into the day and night whenever he felt low,she had protected him from the world fighting with them,defending him.She had cared for him like a mother.She had loved him like no one ever did.And he had finally found his solace in her.She had become his family.Until today,of course.The thought of her absence in his life made him weep and yowl.

The sun had started to set and the dusk descended,his wails and cries filling the silence of the evening.His mind refreshed the happenings of the evening before that fateful night.He recalled coming back home,entering his home to the same old arguments between his father and mother.When he had sat on his bed,he had heard them both coming to his room and announcing about their divorce.He remembered how his father had snapped at him,cursing him and his mother to be the reason for his spoilt life and had left the house,the door banging behind.His mother had sat their waiting for him to react.He had been unable to think of any other way to reply so he had just looked at his mother and said “that is completely ok with me.” And he had ran out of the house.He himself didn’t know why he had been feeling so bad about this divorce but yes he had been feeling terrible knowing his little detached family was coming apart now.It shouldn’t have bothered him because they never thought about him but only themselves and so he should have ignored it all yet all this ached him in the heart a lot.No matter how much his parents had fought,at the end of the day he had them with him in the same house.He hated them,no doubt but the love that his inner child had for his parents had obviously brewed up that day and that little child,not able to take anymore had ran away,away from that depressing world of his.

He had ran up and up to the terrace in frustration fighting hard against his tears not wanting to let them spill out.When he had finally reached the terrace,he had seen that girl,a friend of his sitting there on the terrace surrounded by bottles of alcohol and trash of half-smoken cigarettes.Seeing him,she had called him to join her.Frustrated,he had been in a dire need to release all that which had been held within him.He had gone forward and picked up a bottle.As his lips had touched the neck of the bottle,he had been reminded of his promise to her to not drink ever without her knowing.All his mind had told him at that time was to fuck all promises.Who had ever followed them in his life that he should? And he had finished 3 bottles altogether.His mind had started losing senses owing to the effect of alcohol.He had then borrowed the cigarette from that girl and puffed rings of smoke,constantly knowing that he had been violating another one of his promise to her.He had puffed and he had drunk and then that girl had tried to make him do something and she had finally succeeded as he had slid his hand around her waist and pulled her closer and kissed.

Today,being reminded of his action,his entire body felt a chill run down through his veins.How had I been so careless?Why had I been careless?My life,my precious love has been lost  today because of my actions.Couldn’t have I controlled myself?Why?Just why is all this happening to me? ,he repeated these questions to himself between his sobbings,his emotions a mix  of regret,guilt,pain and anger.He continued to sit down there on the terrace crying helplessly today letting it all out for once,accepting his defeat for once and allowing himself to break down as the evening transformed into the dark night,the night sky emitting a faint light of stars.

Queen movie

A lesson I learnt well today is to never judge a book by it’s cover.Kangana ranaut, an indian actress, has been one the most underrated actresses.Yet she did prove herself this time.I saw the newly released movie Queen and what a marvelous movie it is.Deeply moving and thoroughly enjoyable,it is a journey of a girl who has her fiancé breaking up with her just 3 days before marriage yet she doesn’t give up to the situation.Rani,a simple middle class family girl,with a dream of honeymoon like any other girl ,embarks on a self discovering journey to the honeymoon locations that had been booked already by her for them to go after marriage.Paris and Amsterdam.It beautifully teaches that people all over the world maybe divided by boundaries but are all united by a common bond of emotion.It imparts that open yourself to the world and the world would welcome you with open arms full of love.In Paris,she finds an amazing friend in a girl who is entirely different from her in her ethics and values,in her way of living but still she succeeds in understanding Rani  like no one ever could back in india.Leaving Paris,she goes to Amsterdam and discovers new bonds of friendship and love with other people.Beautifully directed and with an amazing performance by Kangana Ranaut,the story entertains you and grips you till the end.

A very nice message from the film-For all those who lost themselves,felt timid owing to their relationship with their partners and continuous corrections and nagging from them,this story will tell you that you are worth something they don’t deserve to have.So breakfree,step out and rediscover yourself. J

Do go and watch.

Author-Shu

Voices in my head

The voices in my head have a life of their own. But where did these voices come from and why is it getting so hard to make them quiet? Why are these voices taking over my senses? Why this clash between heart and mind today? Or is it just a reality check?

There are no answers.

The fact is that sometimes these voices are a lot of self-judgements. Hence, it becomes nearly impossible to push them away. Sometimes, we all need to face the TRUTH- which comes as a gracing shower and washes away the layers of deceptiveness that we have been carrying all this while.

Unfortunately, the truth that the voices in my head were trying to bring in front of me today was very bitter. It was as awful as it could be. My all-time positive and happy-go-lucky attitude was being questioned today. They constantly hit me and forced me to doubt if I am genuinely happy or do I simply try to cover the pain of unreciprocated love? Has this huge smile of mine always been there so that I could fit in with the people around? I was completely baffled. Too much negativity hitting upon me made me feel terrible and left me bewildered.
I took a pause.

After an hour of deep conversation with my inner self and continuous trials to unshackle myself from this mental fatigue, I realised how dissatisfied I have been from the people and things around me all this while and how much fake attitude I have beholden. Tears paved their way. The songs of optimism that I keep singing are not out of true bliss but out of the shattered pieces of my emotions. The grief of disintegration had risen to a degree where it required false satisfaction and cheerfulness. All these miserable feelings left me downhearted and I sat on my bean bag frozen.

Loads of love,
Author 'Div'

Part-6 (The Confrontation)

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Part-5 (a step ahead)

An inflicted heart, a scathed soul, a feeling of betrayal, a demand for the verity gave her enough reasons to proceed towards her destination of confrontation with determination glinting in her sorrowfull eyes.A determination to bring an end to this relationship of deceipt and grief.A relationship where she gave herself away entirely yet failed terribly even though the mistake wasn't hers.
Leaving her room to the washroom to wash her face,she started thinking as to how she should start the conversation when she finally comes across him.Entering the washroom and looking up into the mirror, she was horrified to look at the face staring back at her.Eyes red and puffed,skin as dry and coarse as it could,lips swollen in a pout,hair all dishevelled,she could not trust to believe her eyes.Is this really me?What have i done to myself?Why have i done this to myself for someone who doesn't deserve my love,let alone this pitiable face of mine!She bent down into the wash basin,cupping both her hands to fill with water and then splashed the water on her face.Her eyes cringed with irritation as the salt residued from her tears came into contact with water.The situation was very much similar to the turn that her life had taken.She had residued herself just like that dry salt and crippled, nothing affecting it in anyway, all senseless until a sudden splash of water brought back the salt to its true worth.The salt had reacted to the water.Now was her turn.
She washed her face, and applied a thick line of kaajal into her eyes so that the puffiness and redness could be hidden under those dark black outlines.After setting her hair into a nearly satisfactory state,she looked at the image of herself again and this time a much better look greeted her.She smiled at her own little achievement for the day feeling proud of herself, thinking so strong she was to go through so much and yet smile.
As she came out of her house, she saw him coming out of his and quickly hid herself behind the wall that separated his area of house from hers.She waited until he left in the lift,her body going all over weak again!No.You have to be strong.Not this time.Go ahead.A part of her wanted to retreat even now.But the determination in her mind today was strong enough to not be restrained.
She walked undeterred to her address where an important landmark of her life waited.She went up the stairs which she had climbed down yesterday.Standing at the entrance of the terrace,her heart started thumping telling her to retreat.Again the same pain she had had in her body yesterday while leaving the terrace overtook her.She tried to calm herself down as she took a step ahead and went out in the open on the terrace.
There he was,she could see.The least changed.Busy typing something in his mobile,he didn't notice her.But she did.Every cell in her mind was busy registering the details of him as they always did.The black coloured shirt he wore.The faded colour of the jeans that clinged to his waist.His face,his hair as handsome as ever.She, for once again was numb at his sight and couldn't do anything to proceed ahead.He looked up to her sensing her presence around him.For that beautiful moment,his eyes met hers.Her heart skipped a beat.His heart rolled atleast a hundred times.Her heart cringed at his sight not wanting to let go of this perfect pair of eyes.His eyes softened at the beautiful eyes wanting to savour them for as long as possible.Her mind ventured off studying his face, the perfectly shaped nose, those meliorated lips, the unshaved facial hair that made him all the more attractive that afternoon.His mind could think of nothing but the pain he saw in her eyes giving him a clear idea that something was wrong.
He took a few steps towards her,while she stood their numb, not knowing how to start, fighting against her tears which threatened to spill out any moment now.
He opened his mouth to say something but then, instead of speaking,sensing her state of mind, he went ahead and hugged her.Wrapped her tightly in his arms.And she gave up.She hugged him back tightly and broke down.Seeing her cry, the pain took no time to travel across his face.He held her protectviely consoling her throughout thinking of every possible reason that could have made her upset.Only he not aware of what it actually was.
After a long time,she finally stopped and let go of him, as her senses brought her back from where she had been captivated for once by her love for him.
He made her sit down on the pavement dividing the terrace into two part and asked her softly taking her hand into his, "Baby,now tell what is it?"
She couldn't even look up to him, forget speaking.
"Tell me love, what happened?Everything ok?"
Ok?NO!Nothing is ok.My world just felt apart yesterday after what i saw.And today i am going to end our relationship.I cried the entire night yesterday,woke up to a terrible me this morning and broke down here in front of you just now because of the inner turmoil i am going through!NOTHING IS OK!she wanted to shout this out loud yet no words came out of her mouth.She sat there silently looking down, not able to meet his gaze.
Seeing no reply coming from her,he understood she was not in a state to speak and needed to be comforted , put his hand around her shoulder and tilted his head against hers.His gesture weakened her entirely.
"Is there something you ought to tell me?" she asked him now, resting her head on his shoulders,crushing herself as tightly as she could against him,wanting him to stay that way forever although she knew just a few moments more and they would be apart forever.
"Evrything you know sweetheart.Nothing that i have to tell."
"Think again.You might be just missing out on something."
"No baby.Nothing."
"Did i ever hurt you?" she asked,her voice beginning to tremble,tears rollling out once again.
"Never baby.You never did...." he trailed off sensing this was something to do with him and then spoke again...
"But i do have hurt you earlier quite a few times and this time again your tears have something to do with me.Right?" He held her more tightly now.
Ok.Now speak up and tell him everything.It will be now or never.She commanded.
"Yes" a voice came out,as inaudible as it could be from her.
"Please tell me what?"
"why are you this way?Stop being so caring and considerate or else i will never be able to say anything."
"I can't stop being considerate about you.Tell me what has happened?"
"Ok.Fine.i have to be hard now and i will."she replied firmly as she raised her head from his shoulder and stood up from where she was sitting to face him.She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and the dissension began.