Part-7 (inner call)

Standing there on the boundarywall,the thin line drawn between his life and death,her thought came to his mind.Wasn’t all that had happened already enough for her to take that I should be giving her heart something more to ache for?Hasn’t she already suffered?Should I just end it all like this without even an apology to her?I have already done more than required for her to be hating me but then definitely,as much as I know my baby,her heart would never let her hate me or stop caring for me.She would be the most grieved about my death.No one in the world would be affected as much as she would be,not even my own parents and I know that.An inside voice asked him if it was not all that he already knew.That he knew no matter how many mistakes he did she would be forgiving him always and so he went on committing more and more mistakes.He was guilty no doubt for his actions.Moreover,why was he even thinking to withdraw  now from jumping.What was left for him to live for?She was gone.His parents?Those parents who had no time to even tolerate each other,let alone him.Who fought every single day and then made him the soft target for them to vent their anger out on?Those parents who were not able to handle their marriage,forget about him?The thought of his parents made him go red in face with anger,tears rushing out of his eyes.For the first time in his entire life,he finally admitted he was not strong enough.He was broken on the inside no matter whatever he tried to show on the outside.He did not want to leave today without telling her that she is the only one who really belonged to him and to whom he belonged.No one else was there for him.No,today he was not going to quit.Enough of running away from problems.Not now!He got down carefully from the boundarywall onto the terrace,his legs shaking and making him go all weak enough to not be able to take the weight of his own body.Leaning his back against the boundarywall of the terrace and hugging his knees to his chest,he sat down and cried for the first time in what seemed to him like 10 years.That day,not only did he cry but the child in him whom he had suppressed long,long ago burst out with him.The child who had craved for love all his life,longed for an affectionate smile or a gesture from his parents that would assure him that yes,they cared for him,cried helplessly trapped within him.

Brain is like a closed album.All memories stay there in some corner forgotten but once it is opened,they come surging in bringing with it all the pains and joys of the past.The same was happening today with him.He had been acting strong for quite a lot of time.Today,he had finally given up.He had no strength left in him anymore to pretend things to be alright.One part of him was very angry with him for letting all his emotions surge out like this,crying like a baby.He felt angry for breaking his promise to himself.At the age of 7 itself,when he had grown mature enough to understand the tension between his parents and to understand that they had no time or love for him,he was a mere burden they had been carrying off because they were bound to carry,he had retreated from their lives and they both barely noticed how he had withdrawn into his shell.The only communication he had ever had with them from that time used to be for basic needs such as money,food,cloth etc.Nothing beyond that exceeded their conversations.Every night,his memories reminded him,how he had slept hearing altercations between his parents.How he,the little child used to be scared at night hearing them shout yet was never comforted by his father assuring him that there was nothing to be scared of.He remembered how every night he wept feeling scared yet never did his mother come to console him.The distance from his parents that he had maintained and the bitter relationship between his parents had killed him entirely on the inside yet he had lived like a hero on the outside never allowing anyone to see his weakside.Then,she had come and he had fallen for her.Just for once,his life had started to have a whole new beginning for him.She had talked to him into the day and night whenever he felt low,she had protected him from the world fighting with them,defending him.She had cared for him like a mother.She had loved him like no one ever did.And he had finally found his solace in her.She had become his family.Until today,of course.The thought of her absence in his life made him weep and yowl.

The sun had started to set and the dusk descended,his wails and cries filling the silence of the evening.His mind refreshed the happenings of the evening before that fateful night.He recalled coming back home,entering his home to the same old arguments between his father and mother.When he had sat on his bed,he had heard them both coming to his room and announcing about their divorce.He remembered how his father had snapped at him,cursing him and his mother to be the reason for his spoilt life and had left the house,the door banging behind.His mother had sat their waiting for him to react.He had been unable to think of any other way to reply so he had just looked at his mother and said “that is completely ok with me.” And he had ran out of the house.He himself didn’t know why he had been feeling so bad about this divorce but yes he had been feeling terrible knowing his little detached family was coming apart now.It shouldn’t have bothered him because they never thought about him but only themselves and so he should have ignored it all yet all this ached him in the heart a lot.No matter how much his parents had fought,at the end of the day he had them with him in the same house.He hated them,no doubt but the love that his inner child had for his parents had obviously brewed up that day and that little child,not able to take anymore had ran away,away from that depressing world of his.

He had ran up and up to the terrace in frustration fighting hard against his tears not wanting to let them spill out.When he had finally reached the terrace,he had seen that girl,a friend of his sitting there on the terrace surrounded by bottles of alcohol and trash of half-smoken cigarettes.Seeing him,she had called him to join her.Frustrated,he had been in a dire need to release all that which had been held within him.He had gone forward and picked up a bottle.As his lips had touched the neck of the bottle,he had been reminded of his promise to her to not drink ever without her knowing.All his mind had told him at that time was to fuck all promises.Who had ever followed them in his life that he should? And he had finished 3 bottles altogether.His mind had started losing senses owing to the effect of alcohol.He had then borrowed the cigarette from that girl and puffed rings of smoke,constantly knowing that he had been violating another one of his promise to her.He had puffed and he had drunk and then that girl had tried to make him do something and she had finally succeeded as he had slid his hand around her waist and pulled her closer and kissed.

Today,being reminded of his action,his entire body felt a chill run down through his veins.How had I been so careless?Why had I been careless?My life,my precious love has been lost  today because of my actions.Couldn’t have I controlled myself?Why?Just why is all this happening to me? ,he repeated these questions to himself between his sobbings,his emotions a mix  of regret,guilt,pain and anger.He continued to sit down there on the terrace crying helplessly today letting it all out for once,accepting his defeat for once and allowing himself to break down as the evening transformed into the dark night,the night sky emitting a faint light of stars.